Most people are surprised to learn that the entire idea of a bar mitzvah ceremony didn’t exist until around the 1400’s. In fact, the Talmud’s discussion about coming of age depended on the presence of physiological signs of puberty. The convention of coming of age at 13 for a boy, and 12-and-a-day for a girl was observed, but not celebrated for centuries.
There is no other religious or ethnic culture that celebrates its newest adolescents leaving childhood at this age. Indeed, by the 19th century, the Reform Movement determined that 13 was way too premature an age to celebrate leaving childhood. It dropped the entire practice and instituted the Confirmation ceremony for 16 year-olds as a substitute. By the 1960’s the traditional practice had reclaimed its place in most Reform congregations. By then, the practice of girls’ Bat Mitzvah had also started in many progressive Conservative congregations.
Today there is an increasing conversation around this rite of passage. Many communities have embraced the term “B* Mitzvah”, which does not insist on traditional, binary, gender understandings or identities. Notably, it still defers to the traditional term, and all of the associations it might conjure.
The idea of a Coming of Age ceremony is a different approach that is increasingly embraced by Jewish families. Certainly the COVID pandemic is one factor here. The need for deferred celebrations was unavoidable. It was also awkward for high school students at 15 and beyond to stand up in a celebration typically associated with younger middle school students.
Independent of COVID, a growing number of families now look to combine the celebrations of siblings close in age, for instance 13 and 15. Many of these celebrations might include much of the traditional elements of a b* mitzvah ceremony…or they might be completely secular, with Judaism represented via cultural but not religious elements. Some families find this approach liberating. Stepping into this approach helps them avoid the dynamics lampooned so famously by films like You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah and Keeping Up with the Steins.
Whatever approach you choose, the bottom line is the same: your student should be able to look back on an experience that was engaging in the lead-up, meaningful in the moment, and inspiring for their future.