Wedding planning often brings stress that is second only to packing for a move. Decisions over matters small and large, generating and managing countless lists, and the general intensity that accompanies these actions are enough to make eloping to Margaritaville a serious option. And that’s even before managing family dynamics comes into the equation! So, given all the push and pull, how does a couple maintain intentionality around the marriage that will start with their wedding day?

Here are six ideas to consider that have helped other couples.

Relationship preparation: no matter how many years you’ve been a couple, you’re about to be in it on a “holy, different level.” Level up with new tools. Consider a pre-marriage counseling program. They really make a difference, and might avoid the need to activate a prenup.

Ceremony booklet: preparing a brief welcome booklet for your guests is a great way to ensure they are optimized to celebrate with you every step of the way. It also makes sure that a couple is literally on the same page in what the ceremony will look like!

Recalling deceased parents: weddings without our beloved family members present are often difficult. Consider including traditions that help you remember and honor them prior to or on the day of your ceremony. You might carve out time for a special private gravesites visit ahead of your ceremony, or lighting special memorial candles at some point leading into the wedding day or on the day itself.

Thank-you notes to living parents: both partners might hand-write a small note to all living parents, thanking them as appropriate for their presence and involvement in the big day. It’s a small kindness that has a huge impact!

Spiritual preparations: a trip to the mikveh (Jewish ritual bath) as individuals or as a couple can be a powerful experience. Many non-orthodox mikveh operations welcome these visits, and offer guidance for them.

Gift registry & invitation to hesed (Acts of Lovingkindness): consider sharing the blessing of your celebration forward. Many feel that donating 3% of the catering cost to a food organization is appropriate. Increasingly couples seek to repurpose their floral arrangements to nursing homes, rehabilitation hospitals, and even cemeteries. Identify a way that your invited dear ones can elevate your celebration by making a difference in the world with a philanthropic opportunity that is meaningful to you and your values as a couple.

Letters to each other: sitting down and remembering the start of your relationship, detailing its power that leads to this moment, and sharing your aspirations for the life awaiting you as a married couple has an incredible way of centering a person. Exchange them during a private point on the big day…or use them as the base of your own covenanting statements during the ceremony!

The standard Jewish wedding ceremony has a lot of room for personalization. There are a number of traditional customs that are commonly found beyond orthodox ceremonies.

Candles are often used in processionals. Consider an alternative of each of the couple lighting a Shabbat candle; the pair of lit candles recalls the light of regular holy time. Another option is lighting a multi-wicked Havdalah candle, symbolizing the unity of its light despite its many sources, much in the way a family is the culmination of many ancestors to a particular point. Some interfaith couples like the idea of lighting a unity candle, making the statement that all family traditions are welcomed and honored.

Circling has many ancient sources. Traditionally a bride might circle a groom three or seven times. Mutual circling has become more common. Some celebrations have each primary circle the other three times, and then the wedding party encircle them. The 3+3+1=7 has deep power!

Family Judaica, whether new or heirloom, always has a place in a wedding ceremony. Candlesticks and kiddush cups are regularly used by couples. Sometimes there are two cups, one from the past for the first set of wedding blessings, and one a new gift for the couple for the final Sheva Brachot/7 Blessings. Some families even have their own huppah-wedding canopy, like in the photograph! It was built by the groom, and a beloved heirloom tallit (prayer shawl) is used as part of the roof. Sometimes a tallit is hung more as a banner. Your preferences rule!

The typical double-ring ceremony allows for many variations. There are options for the language one might use. It is a perfect opportunity to share personal statements and covenants; the traditional Jewish wedding doesn’t really do “vows.” Special poems, readings, and musical selections can always be worked into a ceremony. Consult with your officiant on how to make that happen!

An ancient custom finding regular use is to enwrap the couple in a tallit for the final Sheva Brachot/7 Blessings. Also, the Sheva Brachot themselves are an opportunity for personalization. Having capable family or friends to chant the blessings, or recite the translation, is always a powerful experience!

5 Things to Consider

Some venues disallow open flames; ensure they are allowed by the venue!

If using candles, make sure you have a new lighter, or fresh matches available.

Don’t forget the logistics of a wedding dress when considering circling! Will a train need to be gathered, or even supported by an attendant?

Make sure that personal Judaica items are marked and identifiable. Ideally someone is on point to collect them after the ceremony for safe keeping.

Make sure anyone being asked into a part is given a copy for advance practice, even if just one line in English!

The Huppah represents a new couple’s first home. It is so emblematic of the Jewish wedding ceremony that the entire final half of the liturgy is nicknamed “Huppah” by Jewish tradition. Traditionally just a cloth held up by four poles, the huppah has evolved and there are many variations on the theme available for a wedding couple today.

One extremely important practical consideration to consider is the size of the huppah and the space it will take up at the ceremony. Some couples prefer that they and their officiant be the only people under the huppah. Other couples envision parents or other dear ones in places of honor alongside for the ceremony.

Indoors or outdoors, the huppah needs to be stationary. One option is to invite people to hold the poles. Talk with your officiant about how this might work for your ceremony, e.g. processing the huppah into the space, etc. A free-standing huppah will typically have the poles secured into a stand with a locking set screw or equivalent. This is especially important if the ceremony is being held outside! Speaking of outside, pails filled with stones offer a more rustic approach to a stand.

Some couples are totally into the D-I-Y scene, and construct a huppah frame from wood or PVC pipe, among other options. Some couples defer to their florist to provide and decorate a huppah, while others ask their coordinator to handle the details with a rental company.

The huppah lends itself to incorporating personal touches. Many couples find a way to bring in at least one tallit (prayer shawl) as part of the canopy. Some opt for an embroidered or printed canopy that reflects items and themes important to the couple.

Did you know that “back in the day” it was the custom to have the huppah under an open sky? It was a sign of good fortune for the couple! In fact, at one time there was even opposition to having the huppah inside a synagogue!

Five Key Considerations for Your Huppah

Most wedding couples and officiants will comfortably fit under a 7-foot tall canopy. A width of 10 feet will easily accommodate most motorized mobility devices.

Outside venues, notably elevations and beaches, are especially exposed to wind. Anchoring a free standing huppah in those conditions needs extra considerations!

Make sure there is room under the huppah for whatever choreography is necessary for your ceremony, e.g. circling. Also, a small staging table for the officiant is often helpful!

A dramatic flair for an indoor huppah is to have it suspended, without any visible poles! Clear monofilament line completes the effect, or festive ribbons highlights can incorporate any special colors the wedding couple has chosen.

Ensure that your wedding’s technical needs are met at the huppah! Sound amplification for the guests, audio feed for the video, lighting if needed; all these should be considered no matter the nature of the venue. Some venues can meet all these needs; other times it is up to the vendor.

Two dramatically different examples of the huppah below. Both were provided by florists. One is super rustic and floral. The other is made large enough to include a family tallit as part of the canopy.

Many couples seek an alternative to the traditional ketuba. This is especially true when one of the primaries is not Jewish, or when the couple is LGBTQ+. The traditional ketubah does not accommodate the realities of these couples’ lives. After all, the Talmud’s basic version goes back to the 7th century of the Common Era. The only frame of reference for Jewish weddings for the Sages was a Jewish man marrying a Jewish woman. In our era the acceptance of marriage having evolved beyond those limits means that the ketuba has evolved as well. Increasingly, Jewish couples are opting for alternatives to the strictly traditional ketuba to make it relevant to their lives.  

There is a world-wide marketplace for ketuba documents, and many of those providers cater to interfaith and LGBTQ+ couples. They offer an array of preset choices of texts designed to meet your specific values, and a selection of artistic backgrounds and designs to please your aesthetic.

One of the surprising facts about the ketuba is that it can contain anything the couple mutually agrees upon. A couple can commission a ketuba and personalize every aspect including the text, the language at every level, including the specific text for the Hebrew/Aramaic and/or English, any artwork, and the design. DIY couples can turn to a competent Hebrew translation program for a trial run of their preferred, personalized text. It is strongly recommended that your AI-generated Hebrew translation be checked against your intended English text by a native-level Hebrew speaker!

Did you know the ketuba document can be in any language?  In fact, a traditional document makes it a point to vary any English text so that it is not a direct translation of the Hebrew or Aramaic original. On a visit the Dubrovnik Jewish Museum in Croatia, I saw an undecorated ketuba from the late 18^th or early 19^th century on display. It is written entirely in a beautifully elegant longhand Italian script. There is not one Hebrew letter on the page!

Jewtique is deeply grateful for the personalized document support provided by Joanne Fink at Joanne Fink Judaica. We encourage couples to consider her incredible work.

The traditional ketuba (pl. ketubot) we know today was developed by the Talmudic Sages, and was a radical innovation in its time. It precluded summary divorce of a wife by a husband. The financial protections ranged from one year to two years of full living costs paid up front to the wife. Needless to say, this intense financial requirement dramatically slowed the rate of gratuitous divorces in Talmudic society!

The ketuba also stipulates the physical and emotional needs of a wife must be met. Again, this was radical for a culture that allowed a man up to four wives. It is interesting to note that the traditional language of the ketuba is Aramaic, the common spoken and literary language of the Jews during the Talmudic period. Everyone could immediately read and understand its contents.

This leads to an interesting point: a ketuba can be in any language. That is why on traditional ketuba versions, whatever English is present is not a direct translation of the complete Aramaic or Hebrew original. It would essentially be a second ketuba on the same document, and that is not kosher!

While the traditional ketuba does have standard elements, it can be personalized. There are countless historical ketubot which detail the specific responsibilities of a husband, and even his estate, to a particular wife.

Today, many Modern Orthodox rabbis recommend a “halachik (Jewish legal) pre-nup.” This extra document is used to preclude either party from refusing to grant the other a religious divorce (a get) if the marriage fails. This refusal would prevent either party from remarrying within traditional Judaism; they are “chained” to the dead marriage. Many ketubot have this language incorporated within. Pioneered by Conservative movement scholar Professor Saul Liberman, the “Liberman clause*,” or the “Agunah clause*” in certain Orthodox settings, is a common option from many ketuba providers. (Agunah is the Hebrew word for “chained”.)

*Important note: A legally binding prenuptial agreement can include this provision, and would likely have far greater enforceability in the secular American legal system.

Did you know a growing number of traditional ketubot are produced in Hebrew instead of Aramaic? After 2000 years, Hebrew is now the common language of the Jewish people around the globe!

5 Things Your Traditional Ketuba Wants to Know:

The date and location of the wedding

The Hebrew names of both bride and groom, and if any parents are deceased

If the bride has joined the Jewish people by conversion

If the bride has been previously married

Your preference for the Liberman/Agunah clause within the text

Jewtique is deeply grateful for the personalized document support provided by Joanne Fink at Joanne Fink Judaica. We encourage couples to consider her incredible work.

Pro Tips! Placing the ketuba in a frame after it is signed and before the ceremony is a smart idea. Place it on a good easel during the ceremony, and then display it during the celebration!

“It is not good for a human to be alone” is the vision from Genesis that underscores the Jewish value of marriage as a sanctified, loving, companionship. The ability for rabbis and cantors to officiate such ceremonies for LGBTQ+ couples has never been more positive. Most Jewish denominations had already made space for their clergy and communities to celebrate these ceremonies even before the Supreme Court decided the issue as the “law of the land” in the United States,

Orthodox clergy generally feel they are precluded by traditional Jewish law from officiating for these couples. Their stance is supported by the law; they cannot be forced to perform ceremonies they feel are not in compliance with Jewish law and tradition. That said, some Modern Orthodox clergy may be approachable for private blessings, if not a public ceremony.

Ceremony

An LGBTQ+ couple needs to make an essential decision as they approach the design of their  ceremony. Are they looking for a ceremony that models a traditional ceremony, or one that is decidedly different from it? One couple might downplay that their story of “love is love” is shared by two men. Another couple might wish to lean into a “queered” ceremony, as a better reflection of their own identities.

All of the non-orthodox rabbinical organizations offer at least one option along each of these models in prepared rabbinical guides. A willing rabbi or cantor can provide those options to an interested couple. These ceremonies are crafted with deep sensitivity to the couples who seek them out. Keep in mind that denominational commitments will inform a ceremony’s structure, content, and language. Independent rabbis and cantors are generally far more willing to work beyond any restrictions denominational clergy might have.

There are many resources available beyond any particular denomination for the DIY or deep-dive types. Run a quick search and you will find that there are different terms that refer to the nature of the ceremony for those who find the traditional wedding terminology inauthentic.

Four Articles You Might Find Helpful

Planning My Queer Halakhic Jewish Wedding

Weddings & Commitment Ceremonies

Trans/Gender Queer Jewish Wedding Service

What’s Different about Gay Wedding Ceremonies?

Here are two comments I regularly hear in one way or another:

“Rabbi, we’re both Jewish but want a Jew-ish ceremony. You know…sort of ‘inspired by’ but flexible.”

“Rabbi, I’m Jewish. They’re not. We want to incorporate Jewish elements into our ceremony, but maybe among other things; we’re not sure. All we know for certain is that there has to be a huppah, a ketuba, and breaking the glass.”

So, what makes a Jew-“ish” ceremony? It depends! The traditional ceremony has both a structure and flow. For instance, the breaking of the glass at the very end of the ceremony is a well-known custom, and regularly anticipated by non-Jewish guests (not to mention the photog/video team!). In its traditional setting, it is a powerful reminder of keeping the celebratory focus on the newly-wed couple. And yet, it can be more than that. It can be a statement of a past that is complete, and a new and unformed future ahead. It is for those very reasons that one interfaith couple stood up and started their wedding ceremony with intention by breaking the glass. Moving this act to the front of the ceremony was certainly an identifiably traditional element of the wedding, but in a completely non-traditional placement.

Another Jew-“ish” feature to the ceremony that can be beautiful is a take on the Sheva Brachot/Seven Blessings that conclude the ceremony before breaking the glass. One couple felt some strong challenges with God language, which posed a special challenge for the Seven Blessings. They in turn crafted a list of seven values they wished to infuse their marriage, and a brief expansion on each of those hopes.

The couple in the photo were “inspired by” the idea of a huppah. The greenery and roses over their heads suggested the larger, traditional canopy. There are of course lots of ways to draw from the various Jewish wedding traditions. Be sure to check back for more on that topic!

4 Ways to Learn More About Jewish and “Jew-ish” Weddings

https://www.amazon.com/Jewish-Wedding-Revised-Anita-Diamant/dp/0743202554

https://anitadiamant.com/books/the-jewish-wedding-now/

My Jewish Learning https://www.myjewishlearning.com/category/live/weddings-and-marriage/

RitualWell https://ritualwell.org/topic/weddings-commitment-ceremonies/

The first two links are books that are simply the best available out there for most modern, Jewish and Jewish-adjacent wedding couples. Anita Diamant pioneered the conversation in 1986, and keeps up to date in discussing what a Jewish wedding might mean for couples today. The second two links are two website offering a wide array of short articles, model ceremonies, and other alternative texts and translations for use in a Jewish or “Jew-ish” wedding today. Please note we receive no financial incentive for these recommendations.

The traditional answer to this question presumes two Jewish people, a bride and a groom, and the traditional elements in this rite as understood for centuries. The details of the rites have varied over time and place. In the Middle Ages, the two parts of the ceremony might have a year between them! That has evolved over the past thousand years. Here is the essential ceremony outline of a traditional Jewish wedding today:

Part 1 The “Betrothal” or “Erusin” section of the ceremony

The ketuba/marriage document is signed by two appropriate witnesses prior to the ceremony

Bride and Groom are under the huppah/wedding canopy

The opening blessing over the “fruit of the vine” (kosher wine/grape juice) marks the moment as sacred

The Erusin/Betrothal blessing is recited

The groom rings the bride with a statement of sanctification

The ketuba/marriage document is read

The officiate often addresses the couple with some personal remarks

Part 2 The “Sanctification” or “Kiddushin” section of the ceremony

The Sheva Brachot/Seven Blessings finalize the sanctification of the couple-hood

The groom breaks the glass, and the couple exits the huppah/wedding canopy

There are common variations of the standard ceremony today, depending on your rabbi. Many times, a traditional ceremony will include a dual gifting of rings and accompanying statements. Often a couple will opt to include personal statements around the reading of the ketuba/marriage document. Of course, there is always the option of inviting dear ones to recite the Sheva Brachot/Seven Blessings in Hebrew or English, depending on capacity. There are more ways to personalize your wedding ceremony, so be sure to check back for more on that topic soon!

5 Things to Consider for Your Jewish Wedding

The ketuba is usually signed as a prenuptial moment; it can be private or public as the couple wishes. That said, some couples opt to sign it under the huppah!

There are some important rules about who can serve as witnesses for a traditional Jewish wedding, so check in with your officiant if a fully kosher ketuba is important to you!

Most, but not all Jewish officiants, welcome a double ring ceremony. Some have requirements about how it is done in the ceremony.

White wine or grape juice under the huppah conceals spills from nervous hands…especially if a white garment is involved!

There are countless options for the translations to the Sheva Brachot. Be sure to ask your officiant what is their typical preference, and make sure that it works for you.

There are so many officiant choices out there! Rabbis and Cantors are formally trained Jewish clergy. Many other clergy beyond Judaism also perform weddings for the general bride and groom beyond their own denomination including secular or “spiritual but not religious” ceremonies. Finally, there are non-clergy officiant specialists that represent another option. There are implications in choosing one option over another.

Jewish clergy who are employed by congregations are not always available for families beyond the members of their congregation. This is an important point to confirm early if you are speaking with a congregational rabbi/cantor. Rabbis and cantors who operate independently are generally highly responsive to specific needs and concerns of a wedding couple. They hope to start an ongoing relationship, not unlike any other professional service.

It is important to know that the more traditional Jewish denominations (and some of the more liberal rabbis/cantors) have other limitations; e.g. weddings cannot be held during the holy times of Shabbat and certain Festival celebrations. That has implications for holding weddings on Friday and Saturday. Beyond that, there are periods in the early spring (between the Jewish festivals of Passover and Shavuot-Feast of Weeks) and mid-summer (for the three weeks prior to the Commemoration of Tisha B’Av the 15th day of the Hebrew month of Av) on the Jewish calendar during which weddings are either minimized, or completely avoided.

If you are seeking a secular ceremony or one that is religiously neutral, an ordained clergy person could be an option. An important question to ask is if they are willing to go beyond their standard ceremony. Non-clergy officiants specialize in just those options. The practitioners range from highly trained specialists, to people who are personable but have little formal training in ceremonies or ritual. Some have robust counseling training, and offer those options. Others will give you an initial call, invite you to pick one of three scripts, and see you on your wedding day.

The common truth to all these options is that you want to make an informed selection! Be prepared with the essentials (time, date, etc.), have a sense of your values and style and how you want the ceremony to reflect them, and don’t be afraid to ask your questions!

Five Key Questions to Ask:

Are you available for that date and that time?

How do you personalize the ceremony with couples?

What is included in your work with a couple; do you offer extra services e.g. pre marriage counseling?

Will you support us with our ketuba (Jewish marriage document) selection, or with questions about the huppah (wedding canopy?

What are included in standard fees and what are considered extra expenses?

There is a vast array of people who conduct traditional Jewish weddings. Usually, the officiants will include a rabbi or a cantor and sometimes both. Most (but not all) rabbis and cantors in the US are ordained (rabbis) or invested (cantors) by seminaries with academic accreditation and/or denominational affiliation. Most of the graduates from accredited programs have at least four to five years graduate education, and are required to complete a wide array of study that includes some pastoral counseling, if not actual Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE). The vast majority of them serve in congregations, education, or other settings. In recent years more options have developed for independent ordination and investiture. Both rabbis and cantors are equally “clergy” in Jewish terms.

An important note about denominations. A rabbi or cantor might have specific requirements regarding what types of weddings can be done how or when, based on denominational affiliations. More traditional rabbis/cantors require that the primaries both be Jewish; Jewish means converted under approved rabbinic auspices, or have a Jewish mother at birth. Also, some congregations preclude their clergy from serving non-members.

Did you know Judaism does not require that weddings be presided over by a rabbi? In fact, anyone knowledgeable of the requirements of a kosher wedding with the capacity to recite the liturgy can officiate. A lay person connected to the family can certainly preside over the rites of a Jewish wedding. That said, different states have widely differing rules about who can officiate at a wedding, including residency and registration.

Finally, there is a growing number of trained and certified life-cycle ceremony officiants potentially qualified and capable of conducting a traditional Jewish ceremony. Important points to confirm: the officiant is Jewish, and they are fluent in Hebrew to perform the ceremony you expect, including the special wedding ceremony liturgical melody if that is important to you!

Four Key Questions to Ask:

Are you a rabbi/cantor affiliated with a Jewish denomination? If so, do you have any requirements or preclusions we need to know about?

If you are a rabbi/cantor serving a congregation, will my event absolutely come first on that date?

How much meeting time is available, or expected, of us?

Are you legally registered to perform our ceremony, if necessary?

A Final Note About Music

How musical do you want your officiant to be? Make your needs clear! Cantors are by definition vocalists. Many rabbis and most cantors play at least one musical instrument. Sometimes couples engage both a rabbi and a cantor for their ceremony. It is perfectly fine to ask a potential officiant to chant a small piece of the ceremony!