I am thinking of my family, friends, and neighbors in the Federal workforce, as are many others. The sudden loss of engaging in meaningful projects, connected colleagues, and a known compensation package is potentially a soul-staggering experience. This multilayered loss often generates real grief above and beyond the chaos of “what’s next?” It can even lead to a sense of lost identity and paralysis, as the whirlwind of uncertainty looms directly in one’s view.

I offer two observations I hope will be helpful for some.

When booted, it is time for a reboot. Your capacities, connections, and passions are not impacted by a change of work status. This could well be the time to direct them in the way you have always wished. My sense is that there will be a significant increase in entrepreneurial energy from some highly talented people. They will find there is a real delight in delivering one’s passions unencumbered by artificial constraints of department policy or office politics. Some will from companies, partnering with their “dream team” colleagues and connections from Federal service. Others will blaze their route as a solopreneur, learning and growing with new skills and experiences while delivering their ideal product or service. Even those that fail will help transform the landscape of their interests by their efforts. I urge those considering this pathway to explore your local Small Business Development Center for a wealth of wisdom and important training and support for starting a business.

The biblical patriarch Jacob’s experience at the fork of the Yabbok River (Gen. 32:21-32) teaches us that our blessings are sometimes double-edged and can even leave us limping. Becoming unencumbered can also risk becoming unattached. It is even possible that one begins their new pathway carrying a newly acquired, life-long limp from their prior experiences. Realizing the potential of our blessings is not always easy, especially when we carry ongoing reminders of the past. That past will always be remembered; it does not disappear as time flows forward. In fact, it is important to recognize and even honor the hard feelings that are generated by some of those memories. More importantly though, appreciate and embrace the wonder and excitement that can await each and every day in this newest chapter of life. Broken need not mean unrepaired! See the kintsukuroi below for inspiration!

My local friend texted early on Sunday morning. She had received an emergency call from a friend of a friend, looking for a rabbi who deal with the loss of a pet. My name was shared. An hour later I am on a call with a person in South Florida with a traumatic recent pet loss. A displaced alpha predator attacked and dispatched a beloved pet right in front of their eyes. Seeking counseling, the intuitive thought was to seek a rabbi. I was able to direct this person to the correct support, at least as available within Jewish social services agencies.

Early that same afternoon I was in a conversation with a wedding client, but not in the context of the upcoming wedding. This caring soul happens to be a death doula, and we were discussing how I respond to a couple’s loss in the context of a wedding ceremony. We were wrapping up, but then came, “What in general do you do with pet loss?”

The conversation just hours earlier was unavoidably fresh in my mind, and I shared it as part of my response. My client expressed sympathy on that traumatic experience and then shared a link to a company that provides “veterinary chaplaincy services support when you lose your pet.” That link went to a hurting person in South Florida even before the call was closed. So, a call for a rabbi went from a friend of a friend to a friend of a rabbi who spoke with a person seeking support. Then comes the best part, that a completely different type of conversation seemingly offhandedly yielded an unexpected, unknown, but certainly welcome source of support to that original caller in South Florida.

Sometimes the cosmos just aligns.

Pet loss can have huge emotional impacts on individuals and families. Today, the loss of a beloved pet of any type is appreciated in more compassionate ways by society than ever before. If you are struggling after the death of a dear pet, please seek the resources most appropriate for your needs. Pet cemeteries abound but be advised they are not necessarily less expensive because they are for pets. Private counseling with a grief therapist, pastoral counseling, spiritual responses for grief within and beyond faith groups are all options.

There is literally a world of venue options for your student’s ceremony and celebration. “Form follows function” is a helpful mindset to keep in mind when considering the venue. Here are some essential points to consider:

Guest List size: Clearly this is an important factor. It is important to have a general sense of the amount of people who may be attending.

Personal style: Elegant? Informal? Someplace in between? Know what “feels” you want the venue to assist in creating. Some folks want a country club with high end catering and valet parking, and some want a camp with family cabins, the dining hall, and a fire-pit for smores.

Accessibility and Transport: Will your guests need special accessibility or accommodations while onsite? A coach service is convenient for out-of-town visitors. Many families choose hotels or resorts (and sometimes even a cruise!) specifically for the one-stop convenience.

Ceremony logistics: Beyond the guests’ needs, consider the ceremony needs for items like chairs, tables, microphones, projector and screens, etc. Make sure to confirm what is available from the venue.

Support: Any decently sized crowd of middle schooler students needs appropriate supervision. Some congregations event require that “proctors” are provided in proportion to the guests, much like for middle school field trips. Consider the value of dedicated supervision for the if there will be a significant number of adolescent guests in attendance. You don’t want to be the family billed for the plumbing damage in the venue’s men’s restroom because some younger guests thought it might be funny to flush full rolls of toilet paper. Trust me; I’ve seen it, and it’s not a pretty sight.

Celebration: Is your student more into passion projects and experiences than parties? Is a kid’s ropes course event, laser tag, or making simple tools at a smith something that speaks to your student? Open up the options of what the celebration might be. There’s nothing wrong with the traditional “party”, but there’s so much more “right” about celebrating the passions and interests of your student along with the accomplishments of the day.

Hebrew language skills add an important sense of identity along with capacity for a student celebrating b* mitzvah.  The ability to see the letters’ connections between various words enhances understanding and meaning. The skills-and-drills training certainly operate on a different level when a tutor can say, “Fifth line, third word, second letter is a vet and not a bet. Tell me why that’s so.” Ultimately learning the Hebrew passages via Hebrew decoding is a far simpler learning process. For students who already have some Hebrew reading ability, a wide range of tutors can be found online. These professionals can asses your student’s ability and suggest a tutoring schedule to meet your Hebrew capacity goals. The accountability factor of regular meetings with a tutor is also a huge benefit. A few minutes of practice a day on a consistent basis makes exponential progress!

Some students have no Hebrew language experience, and the presumption is that it would be impossible for that to change in the course of a year or 18 months. Not true! The number of opportunities to start from scratch with custom tutorials by qualified educators has never been greater. Originally one had to find individual tutors with local reputations known in their communities. These are still viable options, but not the only options. There are entire companies that exist to deliver remote, customized, Jewish education including Hebrew language skills. These companies work with students across the county and around the world. Your location should not be a problem!

Increasingly families rely upon the phonetic transliteration of Hebrew passages. They use the transliteration along with audio files to learn the various parts of their ceremonies. While many Jewish educators and clergy wish it were otherwise, the process remains an effective training tool for performative outcomes. Be advised: there are multiple transliteration systems out in the wild! Be sure to “know the code” of the particular system you are using. The tutor or celebrant providing the transliteration should also provide the accompanying audio files.

Incorporating family and dearest friends into the celebration adds layers of meaning. Having ones’ closest relationships recognized in the celebration are often occasions for joy, and sometimes occasions for stress. Extending an honor should be understood as an opportunity, not an obligation!

The Torah service structure presents the traditional setting for honors opportunities. There are also other opportunities beyond the Torah structure to consider.

The core Torah service honors are presented in their order and include:

• Opening/closing the ark at the start of the Torah service. A couple can be honored to do this.
• Carrying a Torah scroll in the processional, if the b* mitzvah is not doing so.
• Blessings before and after individual Torah readings. Both the blessings and readings are called an aliyah, aliyot in plural. The number of readings determines the number of honors. Couples or groups can be called, depending on the strictures of the ceremony’s set up.
• Lifting the Torah (called hagbah in Hebrew).
• Dressing the Torah (called gelilah in Hebrew).
• Carrying a Torah scroll in the recessional, if the b* mitzvah is not doing so.
• Opening/closing the ark at the close of the Torah service. A couple can be honored to do this.
• Beyond these Torah service honors, one can add special readings, poems, or other presentations. These are limited only by your sense of appropriateness for the occasion.

Looking beyond the ceremonial honors, there are often important technical roles behind the scenes of a celebration. These can be opportunities to extend honors as well. They may include working on a video presentation, creating a b* mitzvah website, monitoring online streaming during the ceremony, creating a digital service booklet for projection, working on a printed program, or providing a special graphic that brands the celebration; there is no official list. Some people call upon friends and family with specific events industry skills and talents in lieu of contracting outside professionals. This can be fraught with complications, but it might well work for you. Your celebration’s unique needs will determine the opportunities you might extend to your family and friends.

Generations of students celebrating their b* mitzvah have gone beyond the bimah (pulpit). They have taken explored the treasury of Jewish values, and applied their energy and attention to a worthy need. Often called “mitzvah projects” in the synagogue setting, the appreciation for community service now permeates the lives of middle school students across the United States. Most communities require service hours for middle school and high school. This presents a perfect opportunity for a student to earn some of those hours, typically with a greater degree of intention and investment.

There are two essential ways to consider the approach; community service, or hesed. Community service can be simple as participating in planned opportunities. Having a discussion about what type of community service activities and the Jewish values that underscore them transforms, indeed elevates, the conversation. Students quickly begin to appreciate the empowerment, and the sense that their daily lives can be informed by a Jewish voice. No special change to their lives is needed, other than a willingness to explore where the Jewish intersections lay.

Many people are familiar with the term tzedakah, “right-ness”. This term is usually connected to the sacred philanthropy Judaism requires. This requirement differentiates tzedakah from the Christian concept of charity, which is by definition voluntary. The ancient Jewish sages long ago recognized that financial support was limited. Hesed in the Bible is understood as unwarranted commitment and devotion; usually it refers to the Eternal’s relationship with the Jewish people. The expression of this value is called gemilut hassadim, usually translated as “acts of loving-kindness.” Acts of loving-kindness, gemilut hassadim, are boundless.

Both approaches, tzedakah, and gemilut hassadim offer interesting opportunities for a student to appreciate the meaning of b* mitzvah.

A student might highlight a tzedakah opportunity that is personally important. This is a completely open conversation. Invited dear ones can be invited into the tzedakah opportunity in the invitation, it can be referenced in remarks, printed in a program; the mechanisms are limited only by imagination and will.

A gemilut hassadim project usually has a hands-on component. Examples might be collecting items for “blessings bags” for the unhoused or a “backpack pal” for students, collecting medical supplies for a mission or professional clothing for people needing it, working on a project that benefits animals or the natural world, collecting clothing for specific recipients; the list is open to your interest and abilities.

No matter the manner, the decision to extend the mitzvah should absolutely be celebrated during the course of the ceremony!

Today’s adolescents have many interests and passions and their busy personal calendars reflect their commitment to their endeavors. Parents who manage their children’s schedules and logistics are well-aware how intense the time commitments can be. Often, there are opportunity costs associated with these hectic schedules both in terms of finances and time involved with these activities. More than a few families have left congregational religious schools in deference to these preferences and priorities.

I encourage students to harness their passion and let it become a primary vehicle for expressing their understanding of this special moment in their lives. The entire drive behind a coming-of-age ceremony is to show maturity and capacity in a public setting. It is simply the convention of tradition that the Torah service is that setting. A serious project within a student’s field of passion will certainly entail work on their part, and is not simply a shortcut to a party.

So, your student is a musician. What would it mean as an accomplishment to perform a small suite of selected Jewish music? The pieces could be introduced for their Jewish connection, and performed solo or with friends. Or, perhaps your student composes and performs. Researching, composing, and performing (solo or otherwise) a composition reflecting their understanding of b* mitzvah is certainly an accomplishment and educationally meaningful experience. The same applies for any of the arts: dance, sculpting, painting, photography, writing graphic novels, slam poetry. All of these expressive forms can be forms used to express becoming b* mitzvah.

But wait, you’re concerned your student’s creativity is different? It doesn’t matter! It can be harnessed. Budding chefs could research Jewish recipes from across time and history. A tasting or even a full meal featuring recipes of the Jewish people requires a lot of work! Animal lovers can find ways of pursuing those passions in the course of b* mitzvah. The same is true for gardeners and outdoorsy types, no less than budding “content creators.” Name the passion, and there is some way of leveraging it for the foundation of your student’s special celebration.

Keep in mind these special framings do not preclude adding, or even building in special service projects for a more robust experience!

The costs of a b* mitzvah celebration are almost exclusively a function of values and priorities. Some families look at the higher end of what the occasion can cost, and wonder if there is a better value for the expense. Destination travel b* mitzvah is an option for families willing to dedicate the resources for this experience.

There are plenty of companies that offer Israel based b* mitzvah experiences. The upside is that each of them has a vetted and trusted network of ground providers. The downside is that many of them are exclusively for groups; you join a pre-set itinerary and agenda. A more personalized option is to work directly with a tour guide for itinerary and a travel agent for travel, transport (if needed), and lodging. You can work with your guide to determine the travel stops, and select the point for the b* mitzvah celebration. Your guide will have, or know, how to secure the logistical support needed for the ceremony, including a Torah scroll. A word of caution: vetting an Israeli venue is important, especially if you expect open seating vs. separation of men and women. If you have a connection with a rabbi in advance of your travel, connect the professionals for a planning conversation. Otherwise, ask your guide about providing appropriate rabbinic support for your ceremony.

Many of these same companies offer group “Jewish heritage travel” beyond Israel that allow for a Torah-based b* mitzvah celebration. It may be simple as being called to the Torah at a local synagogue, or can be an elaborate private ceremony. If the trip is not designed as a b* mitzvah focused trip, be sure to discuss how that will work, and connect with the local congregation that will be hosting you! In recent years, Italy, Spain and Portugal have been particularly popular European destinations for travel b* mitzvah. Be sure that you know the visa requirements of your destination(s)! Also, most European synagogues are orthodox. There is a growing number of mixed-seating synagogues, typically affiliated with the Progressive Movement (aka Reform in the US) or Masorti Movement (aka Conservative).

Cruise celebrations are also an option for many families. The cruise line sets your itinerary, provides food and lodging, and otherwise sets the frame for your travel experience. Your options for your ceremony are robust. You can take advantage of a day at sea for a service, or make arrangements in one of the ports of call for a celebration of your choosing. Your travel agent or cruise service agent will be your important connection!

Four Points to Keep in Mind:

• It’s not just travel, it’s b* mitzvah travel! Work the destination’s Jewish connection into the planning, as well as the student preparation. Study about a famous Jewish local, or other connections with Judaism the destination offers.
• Most synagogues outside the US are gender-divided. Congregations affiliated with the World Union of Progressive Judaism or the Masorti/Conservative Movement will be more comfortable to most American travelers.
• If cruising, remember to ask if a rabbi and Torah will be available onboard, and coordinate well in advance with any local congregations for options they may offer.
• Bring along your rabbi/cantor!

Placing a b* mitzvah on Friday evening strongly lends itself to a larger Friday night Shabbat experience. Starting Shabbat with the lighting of candles, joyous singing, and bringing a Shabbat dinner to the table will make the event memorable for all concerned. It also opens up options for venues and vendors that are regularly swamped for Saturday celebrations!

Reading the Torah on Friday night has been a signature of the Reform Movement for since the 1920’s. While it is not necessarily widespread as a platform for celebrating b* mitzvah, it is certainly an option with much precedent! While there is plenty of precedent, there is no set ritual beyond the Reform practice for this type of Torah ceremony.

In a traditional style Friday night service, preliminary songs and Psalms precede the Shabbat evening prayers. Ask any kid who has been to and loved Jewish overnight camp of any type, and they will regularly cite the spirited Friday night Shabbat services as a key highlight of their time at camp! In most synagogue and overnight camp settings an hour is more than enough time for a standard Friday evening service. It is a reasonable amount of time for the base of a Friday b* mitzvah celebration.

The Torah aspect will be the big difference for the length of the service. One could choose to read three small readings, as on Shabbat afternoon. This would allow honors to be extended to more family members. Some families like the idea of just a single reading from the Torah, exclusive for the student celebrating b* mitzvah. They like the idea of the student being the sole focus of attention in the moment. Of course, it is always appropriate for students to share a few words of Torah, a personal prayer for the occasion, and/or a statement of what the celebrations means in their lives.

Five Considerations that Matter:

Do you want more or less opportunity to extend Torah honors?

Are there certain melodies that are important to your family that you want to use?

Do you want to offer participation to extended family members, e.g. siblings, grandparents, etc. in the service beyond the Torah reading?

Are you printing booklets or projecting the service? Make sure your venue has the technical capacity your service needs, e.g. sound reinforcement, projector and screen, etc.

Do you expect to pivot from ceremony to celebration onsite? Have a plan for your guests if a pivot requires the room to be reset.

The Torah is read on Saturday afternoon during the brief minhah prayers, in an essential ceremony with three short readings. Following the conclusion of the afternoon service and a brief study session, the evening (ma’ariv) prayers are recited as night falls. These prayers included the Havdalah (“separation”) prayers and ceremony marking the end of Shabbat. Originally reserved in the synagogue for special needs students, it has become the basis for the popular Havdalah b* mitzvah.

The Torah reading, and the Havdalah ceremony continue to be the focal point of private b* mitzvah celebrations. The Torah ceremony follows the essential sequence from the Shabbat (Saturday) morning celebration. The big difference is that only three readings are chanted from the Torah. This shortens the time required for the ceremony to about twenty minutes. It also limits the amount of Torah honors traditionally available.

In a private ceremony, the structure of the celebration becomes much more flexible.  The requirements for the larger afternoon and evening liturgy become options. Many families take advantage of this flexibility. They appreciate the opportunity to move beyond a physical prayer book, and create a personalized set of slides to project their service. This offers multiple advantages: it is more economical than printing, more environmentally friendly than printing, and creates a more inviting ambience. It is far friendlier for people with vision challenges. Also, it is much nicer when everyone’s heads are up and looking forward than looking down into a pamphlet or book!

Of course, the ability to pivot on-site from ceremony to the celebration is also a great benefit to this approach.

The Havdalah ceremony is beautiful. A multi-wick candle, aromatic spices, and grape juice/wine are all blessed with beautiful singing as the celebrant is encircled by loved ones. The ambiance is often enhanced by turning off the lights.

Five Considerations

Plan a solid 45 minutes for an essential b* mitzvah ceremony of Torah and Havdalah ceremonies.

Add another half-hour (approximately) to include the traditional afternoon and evening liturgies.

The time between the two ceremonies is a perfect opportunity for the b* mitzvah to share words of Torah, a statement of identity, or other meaningful words.

Siblings can be incorporated as Havdalah helpers by holding some of these special items!

A special Havdalah set for the occasion becomes a special family heirloom for future celebrations.